…and then she went like this:

The music’s not good without you, baby, the music’s not good at all!…

The chocolate is not enough.

The ice cream is too cold.

The tears are too dry.

This body is way too weak.

The brain, thoughts and mind are just too strong.

I’m too tired.

I’m simple and simply me. The music won’t help, the chocolate won’t heal, the ice cream won’t numb, the tears won’t wash, the body won’t stand, the brain damages me. I’m tired, but all i have left is me.

I hate this age of mobile phones, of social-networking platforms and of high-speed technology. Before, we had plenty of time to be with ourselves, to really get to know our inner being, to closely listen to our hearts’ songs, whispers and laments, to learn the steps of our bodies’ rhythm, to feel the vibes of our souls.

Now, we are running desperately towards whatever gives us the chance to splash our feelings out loud. We’re attention-seeking whores, always looking for a good deal. We transform people around us in customers of our drama, and the phone/computer is our personal dealer, opening the way towards quite a show!…

We lose our ground to some extent, and then, all we want is to get it back. We lose stability, and we crave for it. We lose security, and we become desperate. We lose safety and we feel vulnerable, bare-headed, rooted to the ground, in the rifle-area of each feeling, that has transformed itself into a menacing weapon.

So we want to heal that, to heal ourselves. We look for millstones to grip ourselves onto, for anchors to prevent us from drifting away from the safe shore, for columns of stability to built our trust around, for a comforting roof to catch our breath under and often, it is a saviour that we are looking for, in its whole greatness.

But this is not what we truly are. We are not these weak leaves, recklessly blown by some relentless wind. We came to believe this is who we must be: if we have a phone, we have the mean to contact a friend and complaint for hours, so we do it, just because it’s possible. If we have an internet connection, we let out feelings flow in statuses, blog posts, vlogings, likes, shares and comments, just because it’s at a click’s reach. We hardly stand for something, so we tend to fall for anything….

We let impulses take over ourselves, we change our state of mind drastically from one song in our playlist to another and we change attitude from one argument to another, in a talk we’re having with a friend. We fluctuate dreadfully whilst desperately trying to find our ground and hold onto it.

And i’m doing the exact thing right now. I am fully aware of it.

I forgot. I forgot and i want to remember. I forgot how it is not to have a phone with thousands of minutes i can use to say nothing. I forgot how it is not to have this white box in front of my eyes all day long, asking me ‘What’s on your mind?’, ‘What are you doing?’ and other things alike. I forgot how it is not to postpone sorting out my feelings with such ease, just because i can ‘call you later’, ‘save this as a draft and finish it afterwards’ or ‘get in touch with you as soon as i reach a computer’. I forgot how it is not to feel immortal, just because the era of speed gives me the chance to grow cheeky about the issue.

I forgot how it is to spend an entire day with no one else but myself, hearing nothing more but my own thoughts, feeling nothing else but my true feelings, carving in this emotional body i have, polishing it and re-discovering myself over and over and over again, after each thought, breath and sigh i have lived for only myself. I forgot how it is to truly feel the value of a moment, the weight of a minute, the blessing of an hour or the wonder of an entire day spent with me.

I forgot how it is not to hurry, but to deepen my thoughts. I forgot how it is not to speed the healing of a love wound, but to totally understand the process of its creation – first, to take knowledge of its presence there – afterwards, and to carefully remove the dust specks that make it more painful – before attempting to apply a plaster on it. I forgot how it is to feel heavy and unwavering as a millstone on my own, tall as a column all by myself, steady like a safe roof just by standing on both feet – my own hero, my own saviour.

Because that’s what i really am: the safety, the peace and the love within. I don’t really need your phones, your computers, your music, your chocolate, your ice cream, your drama, your speeches, your calculations, your risk-evaluations, your pre-conceived ideas. You taught me i needed them, you made me believe i needed them, you wanted me to need them, but fuck you, i don’t need them!!

I am this beautiful, powerful, loving human being, who remembers not having these pieces of shit and being happier, acting with more confidence, feeling safer, making better decisions after thinking about them thoroughly in the most sincere manner possible, deeply acknowledging her feelings by spending an intense, great deal of time in their company.

So yeah, as much as you taught me to like them, i must say it again: The music won’t help, the chocolate won’t heal, the ice cream won’t numb, the tears won’t wash, the body won’t stand, the brain damages me. I’m tired, and all i have is me. 

I know that me. That true, within and underneath-it-all me. And i’m gonna go down searching for it and be sure i’m not coming back until i find it. And i will find it! Cause it’s all i truly ever had, all along. I cannot allow burring that true me for the sake of what i’ve been told me is.

So there. I’m simple and simply me. And i trust love will get me there.

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